The silent bullying by girls

To the mothers of girls,

There is one moment I shall never forget.  I was 18 years old and Rigby was on his mission.  I was trying to fit in somewhere.  I was a freshmen at college and lonely.  I attended a community event in which I was singing in the choir.  It was fun and something to do.  I knew a few girls, but not many.  After the event, I hoped I might be invited by this particular group to join them for a fireworks display.

But I wasn't.  They looked right through me as if I was invisible. They grabbed their "groupies" and left me standing utterly and awkwardly alone.

At that moment, I made a decision to try and never inflict that feeling upon anyone.  Now some 30 years later, I see this very silent bullying happening to my 11 year old daughter.  I see the other girls look through her as if she is invisible.  The saddest part of it all is that "yesterday" these girls were her "friends."

Now, you must understand, I know my daughter is not perfect.  I know she too has been party to these silent "bullying" tactics.  I know that I as a mother have been to blame.  Last summer, one of my friends brought the actions of my daughter's to my attention.  It was hurtful and made communication between the two of us difficult, but how grateful I am that she did.  My Emma had been being a "silent bully." I had been both to been busy and unaware to help her build her character.  Because at the end of the day, isn't that what we want our daughter's to possess- character?

We as mothers try to take the easy way out on this one saying things to each other like,  "Girls are caddy, full of drama,or that's just the way they are."  Why do we do this?  Do we think so little of ourselves that between the ages of 11 and 30 we let each other behave this way, and then at 30 we realize the competition is over and we can all be friends?  Or is it that we are competing through our daughters and  are holding out silently hoping that our daughter will win?  

I don't know the answers.  But I do know that the women friends I  have now and that I really know- are powerful, strong, brave, courageous, kind, giving-- and anything but caddy.  Are we really going to let our daughter behave without character for 20 years because they are trying to figure out who they are? Are we going to let the bullying continue?

All I know that at 11, Emma (as well as your daughter) has the toughest years yet ahead of her. She is going to need everybody and especially the little girls she played dolls with and giggled with at recess- the girls she grew up with to make it.  That means she is counting on us as the "moms" to be examples to each other and to her friends.  Emma needs her character built not broken.

I am hoping that the little girls at recess last week who saw Emma coming to join them shouting out their names, but looked at her, saw nothing and walked away might be reminded of the aftermath of their recess interlude.  Emma went into the classroom in tears and spent the remainder of the recess alone....There are consequences for our actions

Or that the girl at the basketball game last week who said she would sit with Emma at the game, but found two other girls to join might be reminded of what true character is.  The truth is, all three girls looked right through Emma ( they all three knew her- were her friends) and ran the other way.  I saw it all.

I want to thank the mom and my friend whose daughter has great character.  Last year, Emma participated in the calculator competition.  If you had known had how much courage that took for Emma to participate in this competition, you would understand the gratitude I hold for the only one of over 100 girls who congratulated Emma on a job well done.  You see, Emma was the first of the five in the competition to get out.  It was heartbreaking for both she and I.  She fought back the tears courageously and after it was over fell into my arms.   That little girls saved the day by congratulating Emma.  That girl has character.  

I want to end this, "the silent bullying by girls."  I want Emma and all of our daughters to learn to build up not take down.  I hope you will join me in taking the walls down and by building character in our daughters.  Let's end the silence of this bullying!