It is near 11 and I am at the computer... I just finished reading my cousin Brenna's last post, Shawn Cosper, on her blog "inspiring women." There is a puddle from my tears. What strength- what dignity- what faith. Thank you Shawn.
As I read her story, I was reminded of my own story of loss.... the ache that has subsided but has never left my heart. Two miscarriages-- twice no heartbeat, twice no growth of our babies...and now I am sobbing. I think of them. I wonder- will they be mine or was it our sweet Maleck waiting for a strong body to house his amazing spirit- I don't have an answer.
Rigby is working late and so I cry alone and remember the moments of absolute devestation. People would say funny things to me like, "Oh, you should be so grateful you already have four children. Some women get none..."
I had no words for them- a loss is a loss. They were my babies!
I walk to each room and pat their five heads whispering- I love you to each. My heart is full of gratitude!
Tonight, Seleck was busy preparing for college scholarship interviews. Stockton was doing his honors English homework and icing his sprained ankle -football injury- hoping he will be able to take the court for basketball next week. Madsen cleaned the kitchen, read his book, and built a train track with Maleck. Emma chose her outfit for tomorrow and hugged me tight, and sweet Maleck did his reading and climbed under his covers with sleepy eyes...
Hard to believe that this past Sunday, November 1st marked the 5 year date- the day my heart quit beating. I remember lying there begging the ER doc to not let anything happen to me. I pled with him explaining I had 5 young children at home who needed me- I had a job to do.
So much to be grateful for--- then there is Rigby's story- his stroke in 2009- we didn't lose him, but we "lost" parts of him.
Thank you Shawn and Brenna for reminding me of my own rainbows and storms. For giving me a moment to reconnect with that pain, that loss that brought me and continues to bring me closer to my Savior and to God.
I know he lives because I have felt him hold me. I truly believe that "with his stripes we are healed."
No comments:
Post a Comment